Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Fajr Namaaz

This is an adaptation of a Cat Stevens song, if he had to make the lyrics more Islam-friendly. Listening to Matthew and Son, it tells an all too familiar tale to the working class people. It could easily be Mohammed and Son or Moonsamy and Son. Check MJ's blog for more Cat Stevens adaptations.

Adapted from Matthew and Son

Get up mate, you can't be late

for Fajr Namaaz, it can't wait.

Watch them run down to saff one
And the five-thirty Azaan for Fajr Namaaz.

Fajr Namaaz, the mosque's never full, there's no-one ever new.
The Surahs in your head, you take them to bed, and the blessings with you.
And there'll be blessing all day, all day, all day!

There's a five minute break and that's all you take,
for your Sunnah, or it will be too late.

Fajr Namaaz, the mosque's never full, there's no-one ever new.
The Surahs in your head, you take them to bed, and the blessings with you.
And there'll be blessing all day, all day, all day!

There's people who haven't read in fifty years
No one worries about it cos nobody cares
Even though they're pretty low and their Qaza's in arrears

Fajr Namaaz, Fajr Namaaz, Fajr Namaaz, Fajr Namaaz,
And there'll be blessing all day, all day, all day!

Till next time in Waseem world

Monday, 19 May 2008

No hair, No hair

Adapted from Jordin Spark's No Air

Tell me how I'm supposed to look with no hair

If I should dye before I wake
It's 'cause it takes my gray away
Losing you is like living in a world with no hair

I'm here all shorn, didn't wanna shave
My head won't move, it's incomplete
Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

But how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my hair revolves around you
It's so hard for me to braid

Tell me how I'm supposed to braid with no hair
Can't live, can't braid with no hair
I'm bald when you don't answer my call
It's no hair, no hair
Got me out here with my forehead so steep
Tell me how you gonna be without me
If you ain't here, I just can't braid
It's no hair, no hair

No hair, hair
No hair, hair
No hair, hair
No hair, hair

I clipped, I trimmed, I permed, I put in a crew
Just a little off the top to please you
My hair just keeps falling off for real

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my hair, but I survived
I don't know how, but I don't have hair

But how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my hair revolves around you
It's so hard for me to braid


No hair, hair
No hair, hair
No hair, hair
No hair, hair
So Bald
It's no hair, no hair

Dedicated to new bald look Hamish (OH)

Till next time in Waseem world

Monday, 12 May 2008

Indian Juns and the Temple of Dom

Renowned Media lecturer, Indian Juns (AKA Indy), Waseem (AKA The Great one) and the aptly named Short Round (AKA OH) had just returned from the famous King of the Plate. Waseem had emerged victorious, which still ground OH's gears.

OH: I'm very short, you cheat very big.
Waseem: You know how I know you're gay, you moan all the time.
Indy: Guys, why can't we all just get along? OH, all your moaning is making me hungry. Who is up for some KFC?
Waseem: We just finished a full 3 course meal, don't you think about anything else besides food?
Indy: No ... Wait there is one thing ... Boobs.
Waseem: Ok, let's go, it's not like I have something else to do.
OH: I didn't get my rugby player-like physique from watching what I eat, I'm in.

They piled into Indy's Tata and decided to satiate their hunger with the closest halaal KFC, which happened to be at Gateway Shopping Centre. Little did Indy and his companions know, that the Tata was low on fuel and Indy, who is known for taking bush routes and parking in bush places, had decided to take the 'scenic' route through Phoenix. Halfway through the Indian township, the Tata slows to a stop. They check the fuel gage to realise what had happened. The got out to find a petrol station but were instantly swarmed by locals exclaiming 'Warrapen yer ekse'. The trio couldn't seem to understand what language was being spoken, until one man walked forward.

Well-spoken Phoenix Native: I should say you look rather lost, but then I can't imagine where in the world the three of you would look at home.
Indy: My Tata has run out of gas, I was wondering if one of you could help? My name is Indian Juns.
Well-spoken Phoenix Native: Ah, the famous Master Juns (Not doctor, he only has his masters.), perhaps you should speak to our Unit elder, Mr. Moodley, maybe he can help and perhaps you can serve us as well.

Well spoken native led them to Mr. Moodley who lived in a semi-detached house in the heart of the unit. Like many of the older natives, Mr. Moodley had a thick moustache and wore a short-sleeved check shirt. Mr. Moodley seemed to expect them.

Mr. Moodley: Siva informed us of your arrival and that you would be brought here. Praise be to Siva.
Indy: We weren't brought here, my Tata ran out of gas.
Waseem (gesturing with his hands): Vrroom Vrroom, No no.
Mr. Moodley (laughing): No. No. We asked Siva to help us find the burger. It was Siva who brought you to me, so you will go to Gateway KFC to find Zinger and bring back to us. Bring back to us. Bring back to us.
Indy: But my Tata is petrol-less, how will we get there?
Mr. Moodley: Siva will show you the way. Beware there is a great domness at Gateway. The dom starts at Gateway. Then like a pirated Leon Schuster movie, it moves domness over all Phoenix.
OH: Can we get some food? I very hungry.
Mr. Moodley: Siva will provide for you. [Gestures to well-spoken native] Siva, take them to Govenders house of curries.

Siva led them next door to famous Govender's House of Curries which had won the hottest bunny competition. He sat them on the floor around a table, a few other people were also sitting around there and a few pots were already on the table.

Native (opening pot): Ah, sheep head surprise!
Indy (always one to experiment, and instantly gorging a mouthful): What's the surprise?
Native (grinning): It is very, very thitha (spicy) .
Indy (downing a nearby glass of Coke-like liquid): Coke! Coke! Coke!
Native: That's not Coke, it's Gee Whiz.
Indy: Eurgh!
OH: What's in this pot?
Native (dishing out a huge helping): Stewed Kidneys and Livers. (To Waseem) You're not eating?
Waseem (turning green): No thanks, I had giblets for lunch.

Another huge pot is brought before them.

Native: Ah, main course! Prawns!

Waseem and Indy faint.

OH: Ha Ha. Very funny. Very funny.

When Waseem and Indy came to, they found themselves by Indy's Tata, which had been totally pimped, to resemble a Phoenix taxi. It was neon green, with a 50 cents graphic on the side, and the back had a bumper sticker which said 'Say Tata to my Tata!'

Indy: Um OK, did you manage to fill it up with petrol?
Siva: No, unfortunately we didn't have enough money for that.

Suddenly, a tow truck appears and tows away the Tata.

Waseem: Indy, they are taking our ride.
Indy: We walk from here.

So they traversed the Phoenix Highway, crossing many roads, which entailed a lot of right, left and right agains. They finally reached Gateway and the three of them were out of breath.

OH: Indy, why are we doing all this? What is it all for?
Indy: Zinger and Coke, OH. Zinger and Coke.

They reach KFC, only to find it deserted. Where is everyone, they wondered. Then they hear singing coming from the back, and in typical horror movie style, go to investigate. They stumble upon a horrific site. Grown men with Chicky masks playing a guitar and singing to live chickens. The infamous Chicky cult.

Chicky mask wearing manager (singing): The Goddess of Destruction Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali.
OH (loudly): It's not Diwali!
Chicky manager: Silence! I keel you!
Indy: Is this even halaal?
Chicky manager: Ha, we are SANHA certified, nothing can stop us now.
Indy: In that case, can I have 4 Zingers and Cokes?
Chicky Manager: Do you want a meal? Regular or upsized?
Indy: Whatever man, just give me 4 Zingers and 4 Cokes.

Chicky manager gave them their order and the trio set back to Mr. Moodley's house, so that they may give him his Zinger and Indy could get his Tata back. As they walked back, the unique scent of KFC battled with their self-control. They arrived to find Siva and Mr. Moodley waiting for them.

Mr. Moodley: Siva saw you coming back to us, praise be to Siva. (Noticing their salivating) Now you see the power of the Zinger you bring back.
Indy: Yes. I understand its power now. Let us eat now and enjoy the fruits of our adventure.
Indy (opening box): Something feels wrong ... Wait ... This is not a Zinger ... Its a Tower with no garnish ... They got our order wrong ... Nooooo!!!

*Big ups to Hamza for the poster, you are the Quentin Blake to my Roald Dahl.Dedicated to MJ AKA Indy and Hamish AKA OH. Special thanks to Q for lending me a few ideas. This is of course an adaptation of the classic adventure movie Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Shout out to my homie imdb for the movie quotes.*

Till next time in Waseem world

Thursday, 8 May 2008

Signs you are watching a soapie

You know you are watching a soapie when:

The scene ends and the characters soapie stare each other until picture fades out
The soapie stare is one of the most annoying aspect of soaps. The characters look at each other as if they let one go and wondering if anyone can get the smell. In the Indian serials, they replace this with the flash zoom, which is basically a cymbal crash and zoom on every person's (even unassuming non-integral characters) face in that room.

No one respects familial boundaries
I was subjected to alot of soapies a while back due to my sister hogging the TV and I had nothing better to do. So since the last time I watched Bold & Beautiful, Brooke, lead female protagonist, had slept with/married Ridge, his brother, their father, Ridge's long lost brother and her son-in-law. On another disgusting note, Ridge also fell for a girl he used to believe was his daughter. Also if people have to go for DNA tests to find out who is their father, you know you're watching a soap. And yes, familial is a word.

You miss an entire week but the characters are still in the same scene
One of the worst soaps I have ever seen is Passions which for some reason my mother seems to love. I sometimes wonder which is worse, Passions or those Indian serials she loves on DSTV. Anyway this one engagement party (or something like that) scene in Passions lasted one whole month. Soapies have this mentality of why show today what you can save for tomorrow. For this reason I would have to consider Dragonball Z as a soap cos it took 100 episodes to get to a 2 episode fight.

No-one dies they are just re-cast
I notice that I am showing a fair knowledge of soaps in this post, which might be perceived as 'gay', but I assure you that I never watched a soap on my own volition. The person who has to win the award for coming back from the dead most times has to be Stefano from Days of our Lives, that guy has died and come back so many times, the newspapers probably have to ask his family if they sure when they put up an obituary. I'm waiting for next time they want to bring Stefano back, maybe they will wish him back with the Dragonballs.

If people do die, they have an evil twin
Or maybe they don't die and have twins who just try to mess with everyone.

'Oh, Roger, how could you sleep with my sister, Elaine?' *sobs*

[Dramatic Pause]
*Soapie Stare*
Scene fades out.

Next Day

'Oh, Roger, how could you sleep with my sister, Elaine?' *sobs*

'I swear it wasn't me [dramatic pause] it must have been [dramatic pause] my evil twin brother [dramatic pause] Peter'

*Soapie Stare*
Scene fades out.

Till next time in Waseem world.