Monday, 12 May 2008
Indian Juns and the Temple of Dom
Renowned Media lecturer, Indian Juns (AKA Indy), Waseem (AKA The Great one) and the aptly named Short Round (AKA OH) had just returned from the famous King of the Plate. Waseem had emerged victorious, which still ground OH's gears.
OH: I'm very short, you cheat very big.
Waseem: You know how I know you're gay, you moan all the time.
Indy: Guys, why can't we all just get along? OH, all your moaning is making me hungry. Who is up for some KFC?
Waseem: We just finished a full 3 course meal, don't you think about anything else besides food?
Indy: No ... Wait there is one thing ... Boobs.
Waseem: Ok, let's go, it's not like I have something else to do.
OH: I didn't get my rugby player-like physique from watching what I eat, I'm in.
They piled into Indy's Tata and decided to satiate their hunger with the closest halaal KFC, which happened to be at Gateway Shopping Centre. Little did Indy and his companions know, that the Tata was low on fuel and Indy, who is known for taking bush routes and parking in bush places, had decided to take the 'scenic' route through Phoenix. Halfway through the Indian township, the Tata slows to a stop. They check the fuel gage to realise what had happened. The got out to find a petrol station but were instantly swarmed by locals exclaiming 'Warrapen yer ekse'. The trio couldn't seem to understand what language was being spoken, until one man walked forward.
Well-spoken Phoenix Native: I should say you look rather lost, but then I can't imagine where in the world the three of you would look at home.
Indy: My Tata has run out of gas, I was wondering if one of you could help? My name is Indian Juns.
Well-spoken Phoenix Native: Ah, the famous Master Juns (Not doctor, he only has his masters.), perhaps you should speak to our Unit elder, Mr. Moodley, maybe he can help and perhaps you can serve us as well.
Well spoken native led them to Mr. Moodley who lived in a semi-detached house in the heart of the unit. Like many of the older natives, Mr. Moodley had a thick moustache and wore a short-sleeved check shirt. Mr. Moodley seemed to expect them.
Mr. Moodley: Siva informed us of your arrival and that you would be brought here. Praise be to Siva.
Indy: We weren't brought here, my Tata ran out of gas.
Waseem (gesturing with his hands): Vrroom Vrroom, No no.
Mr. Moodley (laughing): No. No. We asked Siva to help us find the burger. It was Siva who brought you to me, so you will go to Gateway KFC to find Zinger and bring back to us. Bring back to us. Bring back to us.
Indy: But my Tata is petrol-less, how will we get there?
Mr. Moodley: Siva will show you the way. Beware there is a great domness at Gateway. The dom starts at Gateway. Then like a pirated Leon Schuster movie, it moves domness over all Phoenix.
OH: Can we get some food? I very hungry.
Mr. Moodley: Siva will provide for you. [Gestures to well-spoken native] Siva, take them to Govenders house of curries.
Siva led them next door to famous Govender's House of Curries which had won the hottest bunny competition. He sat them on the floor around a table, a few other people were also sitting around there and a few pots were already on the table.
Native (opening pot): Ah, sheep head surprise!
Indy (always one to experiment, and instantly gorging a mouthful): What's the surprise?
Native (grinning): It is very, very thitha (spicy) .
Indy (downing a nearby glass of Coke-like liquid): Coke! Coke! Coke!
Native: That's not Coke, it's Gee Whiz.
OH: What's in this pot?
Native (dishing out a huge helping): Stewed Kidneys and Livers. (To Waseem) You're not eating?
Waseem (turning green): No thanks, I had giblets for lunch.
Another huge pot is brought before them.
Native: Ah, main course! Prawns!
Waseem and Indy faint.
OH: Ha Ha. Very funny. Very funny.
When Waseem and Indy came to, they found themselves by Indy's Tata, which had been totally pimped, to resemble a Phoenix taxi. It was neon green, with a 50 cents graphic on the side, and the back had a bumper sticker which said 'Say Tata to my Tata!'
Indy: Um OK, did you manage to fill it up with petrol?
Siva: No, unfortunately we didn't have enough money for that.
Suddenly, a tow truck appears and tows away the Tata.
Waseem: Indy, they are taking our ride.
Indy: We walk from here.
So they traversed the Phoenix Highway, crossing many roads, which entailed a lot of right, left and right agains. They finally reached Gateway and the three of them were out of breath.
OH: Indy, why are we doing all this? What is it all for?
Indy: Zinger and Coke, OH. Zinger and Coke.
They reach KFC, only to find it deserted. Where is everyone, they wondered. Then they hear singing coming from the back, and in typical horror movie style, go to investigate. They stumble upon a horrific site. Grown men with Chicky masks playing a guitar and singing to live chickens. The infamous Chicky cult.
Chicky mask wearing manager (singing): The Goddess of Destruction Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali.
OH (loudly): It's not Diwali!
Chicky manager: Silence! I keel you!
Indy: Is this even halaal?
Chicky manager: Ha, we are SANHA certified, nothing can stop us now.
Indy: In that case, can I have 4 Zingers and Cokes?
Chicky Manager: Do you want a meal? Regular or upsized?
Indy: Whatever man, just give me 4 Zingers and 4 Cokes.
Chicky manager gave them their order and the trio set back to Mr. Moodley's house, so that they may give him his Zinger and Indy could get his Tata back. As they walked back, the unique scent of KFC battled with their self-control. They arrived to find Siva and Mr. Moodley waiting for them.
Mr. Moodley: Siva saw you coming back to us, praise be to Siva. (Noticing their salivating) Now you see the power of the Zinger you bring back.
Indy: Yes. I understand its power now. Let us eat now and enjoy the fruits of our adventure.
Indy (opening box): Something feels wrong ... Wait ... This is not a Zinger ... Its a Tower with no garnish ... They got our order wrong ... Nooooo!!!
*Big ups to Hamza for the poster, you are the Quentin Blake to my Roald Dahl.Dedicated to MJ AKA Indy and Hamish AKA OH. Special thanks to Q for lending me a few ideas. This is of course an adaptation of the classic adventure movie Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Shout out to my homie imdb for the movie quotes.*
Till next time in Waseem world