Thursday, 8 May 2008

Signs you are watching a soapie

You know you are watching a soapie when:

The scene ends and the characters soapie stare each other until picture fades out
The soapie stare is one of the most annoying aspect of soaps. The characters look at each other as if they let one go and wondering if anyone can get the smell. In the Indian serials, they replace this with the flash zoom, which is basically a cymbal crash and zoom on every person's (even unassuming non-integral characters) face in that room.

No one respects familial boundaries
I was subjected to alot of soapies a while back due to my sister hogging the TV and I had nothing better to do. So since the last time I watched Bold & Beautiful, Brooke, lead female protagonist, had slept with/married Ridge, his brother, their father, Ridge's long lost brother and her son-in-law. On another disgusting note, Ridge also fell for a girl he used to believe was his daughter. Also if people have to go for DNA tests to find out who is their father, you know you're watching a soap. And yes, familial is a word.

You miss an entire week but the characters are still in the same scene
One of the worst soaps I have ever seen is Passions which for some reason my mother seems to love. I sometimes wonder which is worse, Passions or those Indian serials she loves on DSTV. Anyway this one engagement party (or something like that) scene in Passions lasted one whole month. Soapies have this mentality of why show today what you can save for tomorrow. For this reason I would have to consider Dragonball Z as a soap cos it took 100 episodes to get to a 2 episode fight.

No-one dies they are just re-cast
I notice that I am showing a fair knowledge of soaps in this post, which might be perceived as 'gay', but I assure you that I never watched a soap on my own volition. The person who has to win the award for coming back from the dead most times has to be Stefano from Days of our Lives, that guy has died and come back so many times, the newspapers probably have to ask his family if they sure when they put up an obituary. I'm waiting for next time they want to bring Stefano back, maybe they will wish him back with the Dragonballs.

If people do die, they have an evil twin
Or maybe they don't die and have twins who just try to mess with everyone.

'Oh, Roger, how could you sleep with my sister, Elaine?' *sobs*

[Dramatic Pause]
*Soapie Stare*
Scene fades out.

Next Day

'Oh, Roger, how could you sleep with my sister, Elaine?' *sobs*

'I swear it wasn't me [dramatic pause] it must have been [dramatic pause] my evil twin brother [dramatic pause] Peter'

*Soapie Stare*
Scene fades out.

Till next time in Waseem world.


M Junaid said...

this post is rather telling. Why didnt you tell me all this before you let me share your bed with you for the past three weekends!

But its not as gay as my Conversation with OH on gtalk now. I think i'l post it on my blog. Homophobes will flock.

I remember days of Our Lives - marlena was a devil and they replaced Billie with a porn star and er , who was Roman again?

Noorjehaan said...

in margate mariam made me watch fifty whole minutes of assorted soapies (frikking morning soaps as bb said!) to prove that no one ever EATS in american soapies. champagne to make u tipsy and horny but no actual food

i applaud south african soapies for their great strides in introducing breakfast and lunch and supper and snacks to soap operas. heck i don't think in the five minutes each of isidingo and sewende laan i watched, they should lower themselves to being called soap operas. they're more like lacoste gold rock concerts in comparison

zee tv soapies i think should not be classified as tv at all. soapie is a weird word.

Ta^KiLLa said...

I have the unfortunate displeasure of watching Days of our Lives and Bold and Beautiful every fucken day..

And there was this one time, i saw Patrick Duffy make a guest appearance...

And i was like dude, Who killed JR Ewing ??

Fuck soapies.. Whhy the fuck didnt their writers go on strike.. To like the moon or something..

Due to soapies i fucken miss classy IPL T20 games..

O and i still think Brooke Logan is fucken sexy..


Legend Lives On said...

LoL.. Love the generalisation.

U did however miss the memory loss plot. Like fuck..

And of course the FLASHBACKS.. The key to any soapie..

ZEE TV soapies are the coolest.. (lol)

@ Takilla - Do u still masturbate to Brooke


Saaleha Bamjee-Mayet said...

Read this post just after colleagues and I had a discussion on how B&B's convoluted plots stay constant over years. Mother Brooke and daughter Bridget are sushi-sisters of the nth power, nothing gets ickier than that.

Dew_drops said...

Soapies were designed by Shaitaan himself. Time consuming, mind numbing, evil, incestous,useless and oh so exciting!

It's a clever plan i tell you. I miss Sunset Beach.

Azra said...

So I came, i read and I identified.

You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about innit? :D I forgot the dramatic pauses...and the 'turn', when one character speaks to another and their back is turned, and when they respond they turn around to face the character. Grates my nerves :P