Monday, 1 December 2008

How to tell if your blogger friend is a stalker

While gift shopping yesterday, I found an awesome book entitled 'HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BOYFRIEND IS THE ANTICHRIST', and I would have bought it for the person I was gift shopping for except that the book cost about R140, which for a quirky 100 page book seemed pricey to me, nevertheless i enjoyed the little bits that I had managed to read. It had other tips also like 'How to tell if your boyfriend is an Extraterrestrial' and 'How to tell if your boyfriend is actually twins', and a number of others.

Here's an example of one:

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BOYFRIEND
IS SUFFERING FROM AMNESIA

  • Surprisingly little baggage.
  • Simple name (i.e., Bob Spoon, Jack Jackson).
  • You found him wandering the streets with a bandage on his head.
  • Honestly perplexed about the origin of his tattoo.
  • Doesn’t think he’s ever loved like this before.

Should you break up with him?

Are you kidding? He’s a clean slate. You can dress him how you like, you choose all the movies, and he has no annoying friends or family. Jackpot! The only potential downsides are: (1) he could regain his memory, and with it, some control of the relationship; and (2) his family and/or friends may find and reclaim him. But they might not recognize him with the new makeover you gave him. Keep him while you can.


So I decided to do one of my own, but specialise it for blogs, I can only think of one at the moment, but I will add them on to my blog as I think of others.

I call it 'How to tell if your blogger friend is a ...'. My first entry will be

How to tell if your blogger friend is a stalker

  • He/She is always the first to comment on your post.
  • Your post is always the best thing he/she has read in their entire life (even if its pasted song lyrics)
  • Comments always contain 'Lol Thats so true', or 'Lol where do you come up with these.'
  • He/She has accosted you or invited you on facebook with the opening line 'Hey, aren't you that guy/girl with that blog , lol I love it.'
  • He/She takes personal offence to your non-posting.
  • He/She has your URL engraved on his/her arm.
Should you de-link them?

Well their blog is probably a homage to you anyway, but you should de-link them and then remove every manner of communication (address, email, cell number etc.) out of your blog. But there are probably gonna come to a blogmeet someday and snip of a piece of your hair and use it to help them sleep at night. Best idea would be to delete your blog and move over to wordpress with the penname Jose Antonio Goncalves (Maria for the girls).

Till next time in Waseem world.

9 comments:

Saaleha Bamjee-Mayet said...

This is one of the best things I've read.
Where do you come up with this stuff?
LOL!

Notorious said...

LOol Thats so true
where do you come up with these? :Pp

J/K funny staff thou ,, but not always true ,, sometimes ur simply soooo free that u always happen to be the first to comment :P ,, or when u pity someone coz noone comment on they post ,, that would be me sometimes :P

Nooj said...

how do you know if your blogger friend has internetitis:

They update more than twice a day- on all five of their blogs
They comment before you click on "publish"
They comment again after any one else comments
Their links go right to the bottom of their page
They invite you on faceook, linkedin, twitter, cameway, and ten other social networking sites from three other continents
They have avatars of themselves from when they were born

Should u de-link them?
Nah wait for the blog meet....

Azra said...

hahaha...now you've gone and warned all the stalkers :D

@ Nooj - lol, classic input

Tazeen said...

ok, i have actually made friends with a couple of people I met in the blogosphere and that's definitely not stalkerish.

M Junaid said...

Tazeen. Thats not stalkerish

I met this loser through the blogs :D

Waseem said...

Tazeen - some of my closest friends at the moment I have met through blogs, so I didnt mean its stalkerish to have friends through blogs. Its actually satire.

Notorious - Welcome, yup not always true, but the engraving thing is usually advanced stages

Nooj - good one, im gonna come up with couple more, one of my ideas is how to tell if a blogger friend is gay

Azra - I think stalkers are usually oblivious

Work in Progress said...

Lmao brilliant post. Sadly, I don't think I have a blog stalker... But now I know why I skipped the blog meet :P

KiLLa said...

@Nooj.. i removed ur link after the blog meet :P